The folks at the Education Bureau have proved once again that they are masters of complexity. (Which, by the way, is not a good thing!)
Here’s an extract of a template on their website which, they suggest, may be sent to parents explaining the closure of schools.
It’s 885 words that require a college degree, a good fifteen minutes plus a couple of Panadol to read!
Take a deep breath and here we go:
Dear Parents,
A local case of human swine influenza (HSI) (or referred to as influenza A/H1N1) with no identifiable link was confirmed in Hong Kong on 10 June. Since clinical severity of HSI on young people remains uncertain at present, and young school children are more vulnerable to respiratory viral infection including HSI as well as are less aware and capable of taking care of their personal hygiene, as a prudent measure, the Education Bureau (EDB) had announced territory-wide suspension of classes for 14 days among all kindergartens, kindergarten-cum-child-care centres, primary schools and special schools (except the secondary section of Schools for Social Development) from 12 June (Friday) to 25 June 2009 (Thursday) after accessing the situation and undergoing thorough deliberation in conjunction with the Department of Health (DH) and other relevant departments. During class suspension, all school and out-of-school assembly/ extra-curricular activities, including internal examinations, should be suspended.
This is a short extract. But it’s not short on verbosity. Did you notice the sentence in the middle, with 105 words!! In the whole letter, we have an average of 24.2 words a sentence.
It disobeys at least 3 of the basic principles of plain English:
- Long sentences.
- Passive voice (a whopping 35% of the sentences are passive).
- Redundancy
Three examples of redundancy with comments:
1 )They say: Since clinical severity of HSI on young people remains uncertain at present.
We say: ‘at present’ is redundant. Using the present tense is good enough.
2) They say: The EDB stated that they would pay close attention to the development of the matter and make appropriate review in accordance with the situation.
We say: Waffle. It means ‘We’ll monitor the situation closely and review the arrangements, as necessary’. 11 words instead of 24.
They say: We enclose herewith the telephone list of our school and relevant government departments for your reference. If you have any enquiries, please feel free to contact us.
We say: Classic stock phrases that sound impersonal and outdated. How about ‘We enclose a list of useful school and government contacts. If you have any questions, please call Mr/Ms XXX on [Tel No.]’ Not only is this shorter, it is more to-the-point and more personal.
Also, the letter has more than a smattering of grammatical errors:
‘after accessing the situation’ (wrong word choice: ‘accessing’ instead of ‘assessing’)
‘Parents should avoid …visiting places being affected by HSI with their children.’ (faulty tense construction)
‘those students who would be unattended at home..’ (faulty use of ‘would’)
If classes could be resumed before 10 July, (faulty use of ‘could’)
The students concerned should wear masks for consecutive 7 days (faulty word order)
Shame we can’t put them in detention and make them write and rewrite the Principles of Plain English a few thousand times while the parents’ migraines subside.
