plain english ASIA

Extreme document makeover – Citibank

September 3rd, 2010 No Comments

A very standard letter. Very unprofessional.

Here it is:

With comments:

And the rewrite:

Dear Ms Customer

Thank you for your application to authorize a direct debit.

It usually takes about one month to process this application. When it is approved, we’ll write to you to confirm the effective date. Until then, please settle your account by check.

If you have any questions, please call our 24 hour Customer Service Department
at 2869 0333.

We appreciate your patience and cooperation.

Yours sincerely

Customer Service Department

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Extreme document makeover: Wing Hang Bank

May 19th, 2010 No Comments

I received this letter from Wing Hang Credit recently, with whom I have a mortgage. It took four people and considerable discussion to agree on what we thought the company was trying to say – including two who referred to the Chinese version and found it equally unhelpful:

Dear Sir/Madam

Notice relating to access to Consumer Credit Data held by the Credit Reference Agency

Please be informed that prior to the full settlement of all sums and liabilities in respect of the existing consumer credit facilities granted to or guaranteed by you, we may access your consumer credit data held by the credit reference agency MORE THAN ONE TIMES for the purpose of our review of existing consumer credit facilities (for considering an increase in the credit amount; the curtailing of credit (including the cancellation of credit or a decrease in the credit amount); or the putting in place or the implementation of a scheme of arrangement with you as borrower or guarantor (as the case may be).

You may also make such request directly to the following credit reference agency:

TransUnion Limited (telephone No.: xxxx xxxx)

For any enquiries, please contact our Customer Service Hotline at 2251 0300.

I contacted Wing Hang Credit through their website and – to their credit (no pun intended) – they called me to clarify. The intended message seemed very straightforward and more or less the same as the four of us had eventually agreed on.

I drafted the following re-write and sent it to Wing Hang Credit, inviting them to comment:

Dear Sir/Madam

Access to Credit Data held by Credit Reference Agency

From time to time we need to review the credit rating of our customers with an existing credit facility.

We would therefore like to remind you that we may occasionally need to access your credit data.

We may need to review your credit data if you are:

considering an increase in credit

reducing or canceling credit

changing the parties of your current credit arrangements.

You may also request your own credit rating by contacting the credit reference agency directly:

TransUnion Limited (Tel.: xxxx xxxx)

If you need more information, please contact our Customer Service Hotline at 2251 0300.

The essential meaning appears to be straightforward enough. I’ve asked Wing Hang Credit to explain why they feel they need to communicate with their customers in language drafted by lawyers.

If they take the time to respond, we will of course update you.

Extreme makeover: Sick of HR policies?

May 11th, 2010 No Comments

Recently spotted on a web page of an HR department:

A medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner/registered Chinese medicine practitioner/registered dentist specifying the period of sick leave as well as the nature of sickness or injury is required to support a sick leave application. As a concession, sick leave not exceeding two days may be granted without the requirement of medical certificate. The Head of Department has the discretion to withhold the granting of sick leave not supported by medical certificate. Sick leave more than two days may be granted only on receipt of a proper medical certificate.

If you weren’t already sick, your head would be spinning after reading this.

This paragraph, comprising 89 words, averages at 22.7 words a sentence. This gives it a Flesch reading ease of 29.4 (upper advanced): more difficult to understand than the Harvard Law Review (which scores in the low 30s)!

Flesch Reading Ease

What’s wrong with it?

1. A medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner/registered Chinese medicine practitioner/registered dentist specifying the period of sick leave as well as the nature of sickness or injury is required to support a sick leave application.

Here, 27 of the 35 words specify the subject of the sentence. Many readers will have given up before the end. The writer has made no attempt to relate this information to the reader.

2. As a concession, sick leave not exceeding two days may be granted without the requirement of medical certificate.

This information comes too late. Our colleague read this after submitting a medical certificate: it completely failed to deliver the message.

3. The Head of Department has the discretion to withhold the granting of sick leave not supported by medical certificate. Sick leave more than two days may be granted only on receipt of a proper medical certificate.

The tone is unnecessarily distant, authoritarian and intimidating, especially considering that it is addressed to someone who has recently been sick. It fulfills the vanity of the writer, not the needs of the reader.

Despite its complexity, it is nevertheless grammatically inaccurate. If it were plain English, we feel it would be more successful. How about:

Please read these notes before you apply for sick leave:

If your sick leave is two days or less, you do not need to provide a medical certificate.

If your sick leave is more than two days, you must provide a proper medical certificate from a registered medical practitioner, Chinese medicine practitioner or dentist specifying:

the period of sick leave

the nature of sickness or injury.

The Head of Department has the discretion not to grant sick leave if your application is not supported by a medical certificate.

Words: 94 (slightly longer!)
Words per sentence: 16.0
Flesch reading ease: 60.1 (intermediate) – about the same as an average 11 year old’s written assignment

Feel better now?

House Passes Braley Plain Language Act

March 30th, 2010 No Comments

Bill Would Require Government to Write Tax Forms, Other Documents in Easy-to-Understand, Simple Language

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 18, 2010

Washington, DC – As part of Sunshine Week, the House today passed Rep. Bruce Braley’s (D-Iowa) Plain Language Act (HR 946), which will require the federal government to write documents, such as tax returns, federal college aid applications, and Veterans Administration forms in simple, easy-to-understand language. The bill passed the House by a widely bipartisan margin of 386-33. Sunshine Week is a national initiative to open a dialogue about the importance of open government and freedom of information.

“There is no reason why the federal government can’t write these forms and other public documents in a way we can all understand,” Braley said. “Writing government documents in plain language will increase government accountability and will save Americans time and money. Plain, straightforward language makes it easy for taxpayers to understand what the federal government is doing and what services it is offering.

“The Plain Language Act requires a simple change to business-as-usual that’ll make a big difference for anyone who’s ever filled out a tax return or received a government document. This bill shows what bipartisanship can accomplish when we put aside our differences and work together for the common good.”

The Plain Language Act requires the federal government to write all new publications, forms, and publicly distributed documents in a “clear, concise, well-organized” manner that follows the best practices of plain language writing.

Braley introduced the bill in February 2009. A companion bill introduced by Senators Daniel Akaka (D-HI) and George Voinovich (R-OH) was passed by a Senate committee in December.

#ENDS

Read the act here

Alan Siegel: Let’s simplify legal jargon!

March 26th, 2010 No Comments

Branding expert and one of the leading authorities on business communication, Alan Siegel, talked at TED in February on the topic of plain English.

Like us, he wants to put plain English into legal documents for government and business.

Watch his presentation below:

more about "Alan Siegel: Let’s simplify legal jar…", posted with vodpod

The US still has a long way to go with plain English. Unfortunately, I feel that Asia has longer. How long will it be before an Asian bank will be printing easy to read graphics such as this?

It certainly beats the following (extracted from HSBC’s Visa Gold Card credit card agreement):

If the Cardholder fails to pay the Bank the whole of the Statement Balance by the Payment Due Date, a finance charge will be applied (a) to each Card Transaction (excluding cash advance) making up the Statement Balance, as well as new transactions (excluding cash advances) entered into by the Cardholder since the last Statement Date, from the transaction date and (b) to any of the amounts making up the Statement Balance from the last Statement Date, until the Statement Balance is paid in full. The finance
charge will accrue daily and be calculated at the interest rate per month as specified in the Bank’s An easy guide to bank tariffs for HSBC personal banking customers for the time being in force.

Starbucks: insincere, impersonal and disappointing?

March 26th, 2010 No Comments

I had cause to write to Starbucks recently. Not to complain; simply to ask a question. My question was about payment methods. In Hong Kong, in addition to the usual methods, some Starbucks outlets accept Octopus. Octopus is a brilliantly convenient common stored value card. Trouble is: some Starbucks outlets accept it; some don’t. I love Starbucks and I love Octopus and it’s frustrating to find this inconsistency in an otherwise consistent brand experience.

So, via their website, I submitted my question. A respectable 5 days later, I received the following reply:

Dear Ruth,

Thank you very much for taking the time to give us your comment regarding payment methods in our stores recently.

We have various payment methods being accepted in our stores in HK. Apart from cash, we also take major credit cards, Starbucks Card and Octopus card; their availability is subjected to the business needs of individual stores. We regret that Octopus card is not accepted in some of our stores, but we will review this practice periodically whenever there are business need arise.

At Starbucks, we value our customer’s comments. It is only through such candid feedback that we are able to make continual improvements, and strive to achieve excellence in our efforts to deliver the Starbucks Experience. Your comment has been duly noted and will be reviewed internally.

Yours Sincerely,
Customer Care Center
Coffee Concepts (HK) Ltd.

I was dumbfounded. I still am. I’m insulted to have received such a cliched reply.

Yet, Starbucks prides itself on “treating people with respect and dignity.” This is also the essence of plain English.

I don’t love their coffee any less, but my trust in the brand has certainly diminished.

Canned responses are insincere, impersonal and offensive. To be honest, I expected more from Starbucks and I’m sorely disappointed.

Don’t send canned responses. Don’t disappoint your customers.

Do your vision/mission statements suck? Most do!

March 12th, 2010 No Comments

I recently was asked to teach a group of students to write a business plan.

While pulling together the material, I came across dozens of mission statements that suck.

For example, from Bank of China:

Our Vision is:

To be customer’s premier bank

Our Mission is to:

Build customer satisfaction and provide quality and professional service
Offer rewarding career opportunities and cultivate staff commitment
Create values and deliver superior returns to shareholders

In case, we – dear readers – are in any doubt, they go on to say “The first letters of the initial words form “BOC”.”

Source

This sucks. Let’s leave aside the glaring grammatical mistake. We’ll also discount the nauseatingly contrived practice of producing ‘neat’ acronyms or intitialisations. Mainly, it sucks because it’s insincere and plain boring. I don’t believe them and I’m not inspired to bank with them. Are you?

So, how did the big-wigs at BOC come up with this gem? Here’s Dan Heath’s – author of Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die – take on the process:

So, do your vision/mission statements suck?

Juicy user manual from Mophie

February 9th, 2010 1 Comment

It’s not often that I read user manuals. Most are beyond awful. So, imagine my suprise (and joy) when read the user manual for my new, sexy Mophie Juice Pack Air.

: mophie juice pack air

Here’s an extract:

Here’s a rundown of why the juice pack air™ is so fantastic:
1. (Take a breath) Ergonomic, form-fitting, fully protective impact-resistant case-and-battery-in-one for iPhone 3G.
2. Integrated power switch allows you to put the juice pack air™ in standby mode. Only use the battery when you need it. In standby mode (red), the juice pack air™ still allows charge and sync capabilities in addition to the complete protection of a case.
3. Uses breakthrough rechargeable lithium polymer battery. (Much safer than those troublesome lithium-Ion batteries).
4. State-of-the-art battery technology virtually doubles your power… and you can even recharge it while it’s still
connected to the iPhone! This battery rocks.
5. Track battery power status at a glance with an integrated 4-light LED status indicator. Indicates charging mode and
current battery life. Know before you go!
6. It’s the included USB micro cable connection that allows you to charge and sync your iPhone while refilling your juice
pack™ at the same time. Really, you don’t ever have to disconnect the juice pack™, though it’s a snap when you do.
7. Rechargeable for over 500 cycles. (These are FULL cycles. Partial cycles don’t count as full. So, you can charge your
juice pack™ 10% of the way ten times before you get to a complete cycle. Don’t be afraid to top it off.)
8. Smart battery technology actually instructs the iPhone to drain out the juice pack™ first. When you’re done with the juice pack™ you can pull it off and still have a fully charged iPhone.
9. The juice pack air™ offers complete protection from top to bottom. No more choosing between protection and power.
10. Built-in short circuit, over-charge and temperature protection. Safety First!

Source: http://www.mophie.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/mophie-juicepack-air-manual-english.pdf

Not only is this plain, it’s also playful. It’s benefits oriented, easy to understand and compels the reader (at least it did me) to read on.

Impressive.

Ocean Park: Sentence construction (update)

January 28th, 2010 2 Comments

Back in November 2009, we blogged about Ocean Park’s new website.

It appears someone took notice and, bless them, made our suggested corrections.

Here’s the original that we criticised:

Screenshot from November 2009

And as it appears today:

Better, but by no means good

Ocean Park staffers – you’ve missed the point. Any idiot can make corrections as suggested by a language expert. However, huge chunks of text appearing in your press releases and general web copy is appalling. Let’s take one example:

Clear as mud

Here we have a 45 word sentence. It’s ungrammatical, it’s impersonal and fairly impenetrable. And it’s on a promotional flyer! The terms and conditions that accompany this offer are equally appalling. Read them here.

When will someone at OP wise up and hire a professional writer? Conserving nature and pandas is all well and good – what about their professional image?

Sentence construction a major challenge for Ocean Park

November 9th, 2009 2 Comments

While Ocean Park is in the midst of a huge redevelopment plan, we wonder how they can manage to construct three hotels when they have difficulty in constructing a basic sentence.

Take a look at this on Ocean Park’s website:

Ocean Park's good-looking, badly written website

Strange that a corporation goes to so much trouble to design great looking graphics yet doesn’t even bother that the text is littered with PR fluff, screaming grammatical errors and general nonsense.

Though the whole site is littered with errors, we explain just three from the screenshot above:

1. Looking into Future: We seem to be missing a definite article here. This should read ‘Looking into the Future’

2. We’re pretty much lost for words on this. We just have two: meaningless babble.

3. We seem to be missing a verb here. Every complete sentence needs a subject and a verb. Not necessarily an object. We suggest ‘visit’. We also need a definite article: ‘It’s time to visit the new Ocean Park’ is better. Hardly enthralling copy, but at least it’s correct.

Mickey and friends, on the other hand, have no problems with the English language, even in Hong Kong.